"Oh my god! That's fake! That has to be fake, wow! Man, I've NEVER seen that, NEVER!" exclaimed my mom as she was staring at the picture of the enlarged clitoris. I know that sentence sounds like a few things would be odd in there, but not so much if you're in my family. I'm sure many are wondering why my mother was staring at pictures of enflamed clitori. It was my idea. My friend informed me that women who take steroids have extremely large clitori, or is it clitorisis? I prefer clitori, actually I prefer neither, ha! But back to the subject at hand. I didn't believe my friend until I googled it and saw the horrendous pictures for myself. And he was right, women who take steroids have enlarged clitori that actually resemble a penis.
So of course, if you knew me, telling my mother about my discovery doesn't seem odd. Why? Because that's what we do in my family. We show and talk to each other about what the American Family Association would consider "highly inappropriate dinner conversation." My mother was in shock and insisted I show my sister, my brother and my father. My father insisted I retrieve him his glasses so he could see it as clearly as my mother did, detail and all. My parents were a bit dissatisfied with the size of the pictures (I was showing them on my Sidekick after all) so they requested that I email them the link so they can view it from home. Other standout topics have been whether I thought Lindsay Lohan was REALLY gay, the biological im/possibility of the pregnant (wo)man (whom Tony hates by the way), and how younger kids are having anal sex in an attempt to "stay virgins."
Typically when conversations like this happen over dinner we all get engrossed in the details as if we were talking about something highly important and passionate, all of us except Tony, who sits there quietly and starts inhaling his dinner in an attempt to evacuate the table before the topic turns to sex, which is another often possibility in the Padilla-Ravega household. God bless him though, its his subtle laid backness that allows me to run rampant with such conversations (sometimes with strangers).
Whenever I tell people about what my family talks about they don't believe me. They think I'm making it up. And I politely disagree with them, citing my creation of fiction nowhere paralleling James Frey. This is my family. We talk about things like that. No topic if out of bounds or off limits. And that is a rule that I can remember being implemented as logn as I can remember. My parents often told us that they'd rather us come to them for information then to turn other people who wouldn't know what they're talking about. And as my mother put it, her and my father "had been around the block, okay? We know what's up." So, when me and siblings wanted to know what lay around the corner, we asked the people who knew the block best.
This has never bothered me, I've always enjoyed my family conversations. And as we get older, newer topics can be addressed or unearthed and I welcome them. I always figured that this portion of my life would cover a few chapters in my Sedaris-Burroughs type of books I plan on publishing one day. Some might be uncomfortable with such conversations with their family, but I'd rather us talk about that than nothing at all, or something so mundane and vanilla as the weather. And my mother said she'd rather all of us be talking than fighting. So tomorrow for her birthdfay, she'll (and the whole family) will get another fun filled anti-AFA conversation. She'll love that gift.
:)
-D
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Monday, August 4, 2008
The First Cut is the Deepest
I've always wondered, really, how many pregnancy scares one (guy or girl)must go through to think, "hmm maybe I/he should bag it up this time." I understand, in the moment of passion (as my mother used to say) we get caught up and just go for it, so there's one freebie, maybe two. But after a while, I would imagine it would get frustrating constantly having to go buy a test, pee on the stick, and then sit there for three minutes contemplating whether or not you'll be able to meet your friends for that drink this weekend, not to mention the few days that you're praying you either get your period or your girlfriend/wife/sex partner has a sudden rush of blood from her vagina.
That's always been a bright side to being gay, no pregnancy scares. And to think, the American Red Cross views us as high risk donors! That's funny.
I was reading Details magazine and came across an article about vasectomies, half expecting to hear from 35 year old plus fathers that couldn't afford kids or the ever fertile Latino/Irish/Catholic/Mormon who went in to avoid a future pregnancy. Needless to say I was taken aback to not find one 35 year old father in this article but rather, have the subject of the article to be 20 something single guys who don't want to bag it up.
Really?
Really?
You'd rather pay $2,500 to go to a hospital and cut your ropes, attach an icepack to your balls for 24 hours, wear a scrotal supporter for 48 hours, and experience bloody primary ejaculations (only for the first few post-vasec ones), then to put on a damn condom next time you have sex? Really? No, really. Really?
Are you that lazy? Are you allergic to the latex? Are you on government assistance and can't afford said condom? Are you afraid that you'll be kidnapped and sent to a remote location with Brazilian models just waiting to sleep with you and pay you millions of dollars to avoid using a condom with them?
And that goes for females also, if you don't want a kid, then why risk it? I don't want to get diarrhea so I am not going to eat that cheese in my fridge that's looking a bit suspect, no matter how good I remember it was in a quesadilla. You don't like condoms because you "can't feel shit?" Ugh, fine let's go with that piece of shit, ahem, I mean "argument." Get yourself on the damn pill. And if you're not having sex and you view the pill as a reminder that you're not getting laid, it helps clear your skin. See, there's a silver lining.
But back to the main point, I'm just shocked that young men are seriously taking this action instead of wearing a condom. I mean, taking the pregnancy factor out, still, there's STDs possibly floating around that a condom would possibly prevent you from contracting. You think babies are the only result of no condom use? Ha!
One guy quoted his reason for a vasectomy at the age of 23 to "it's like eating junk food and knowing you're not going to get fat." Well, I hope you eat LOTS of junk food, and instead of getting fat, you have a "heart attack, and by "heart attack" I mean of course, syphilis. But it's okay, at least you're not a father, or "fat."
:)
-D
That's always been a bright side to being gay, no pregnancy scares. And to think, the American Red Cross views us as high risk donors! That's funny.
I was reading Details magazine and came across an article about vasectomies, half expecting to hear from 35 year old plus fathers that couldn't afford kids or the ever fertile Latino/Irish/Catholic/Mormon who went in to avoid a future pregnancy. Needless to say I was taken aback to not find one 35 year old father in this article but rather, have the subject of the article to be 20 something single guys who don't want to bag it up.
Really?
Really?
You'd rather pay $2,500 to go to a hospital and cut your ropes, attach an icepack to your balls for 24 hours, wear a scrotal supporter for 48 hours, and experience bloody primary ejaculations (only for the first few post-vasec ones), then to put on a damn condom next time you have sex? Really? No, really. Really?
Are you that lazy? Are you allergic to the latex? Are you on government assistance and can't afford said condom? Are you afraid that you'll be kidnapped and sent to a remote location with Brazilian models just waiting to sleep with you and pay you millions of dollars to avoid using a condom with them?
And that goes for females also, if you don't want a kid, then why risk it? I don't want to get diarrhea so I am not going to eat that cheese in my fridge that's looking a bit suspect, no matter how good I remember it was in a quesadilla. You don't like condoms because you "can't feel shit?" Ugh, fine let's go with that piece of shit, ahem, I mean "argument." Get yourself on the damn pill. And if you're not having sex and you view the pill as a reminder that you're not getting laid, it helps clear your skin. See, there's a silver lining.
But back to the main point, I'm just shocked that young men are seriously taking this action instead of wearing a condom. I mean, taking the pregnancy factor out, still, there's STDs possibly floating around that a condom would possibly prevent you from contracting. You think babies are the only result of no condom use? Ha!
One guy quoted his reason for a vasectomy at the age of 23 to "it's like eating junk food and knowing you're not going to get fat." Well, I hope you eat LOTS of junk food, and instead of getting fat, you have a "heart attack, and by "heart attack" I mean of course, syphilis. But it's okay, at least you're not a father, or "fat."
:)
-D
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