I Believe in You

Hi my name is Derek and I'm judgmental (sort of).

I'm sure many people have been dying to hear those words come out of my mouth. The truth is, I never not said it. But I also never said it fully (please see above). The truth is though, that is exactly the truth; I am judgmental and I'm admitting it (sometimes). I usually have an opinion about something and don't shy away from voicing it. That is what I believe separates me from others, regarding this judgmental trait (deplorable by some, admirable by others). Anything I think about you and/or your choices, if I haven't already said to your face, I would.

This comes out more so with my friends or loved ones. I have a very difficult time holding my tongue, especially when I disagree with what you are saying/doing. Contrary to popular belief, it has nothing to do with coming from a place of having-to-be-right. It is coming from a place of perception and care.

I am a very smart and perceptive critical thinker. I'm keen on detail and notice patterns and analyze trends. I'm also a problem solver. If you tell me something is wrong or broken, I look for ways to fix it. Part of this comes from what I do in my career, the other part is innate. As a child, I always noticed small things and tended to ask why and put together puzzles very easily. So when a friend comes to me and complains about their romantic life, usually I'm pretty quick to share what I see the problem is (i.e. dating the wrong type of men, dating the same type of guy over and over, self-sabotage when a time limit has been reached in a relationship) and a potential solution.

That is what seems to fly right over most people's heads. I'm not being judgmental persay, I'm merely saying I think you're smarter and you know damn well what you're doing isn't going to work out. It's very difficult for me to stay mum when someone I hold in very high regard (like a close friend) and have a high level of respect for is doing really dumb things. I want to shake them and say, "Look, seriously? Come on. You're not dumb, so what gives?" (depending on how many times I've heard the topic, that shake may want to turn into a playful slap, like they do in the movies and the slapee always feels grateful afterward).

Remember that scene in Sex and the City (season 3) where Carrie tells Miranda that she's going to have lunch with Big and she and Miranda fight about it? Miranda tells Carrie that she can't believe she's doing this again because she should know better and she's disappointed and upset that Carrie is doing this. Carrie calls Miranda judgmental and criticizes her for it. I've always felt Miranda was right. In the end, Carrie calls Miranda, they make up, and Miranda agrees to be there for her in case something happens. EC told me that this scene was voted as the most uncomfortable scene in the series among viewers. I wonder why? I wasn't uncomfortable (Tony was, extremely by the way) because I think that is what friendship is. If you're a good friend to someone you can have a heated disagreement about something and STILL be able to be just as close afterward. Who would want to surround themselves with a bunch of "yes people" anyway?

However, I understand that sometimes you need to let people be and friendship is about being there for a person. There are times when it's cool to step in and say something, but as a certain person I live with reminds me constantly, reiterating my point to them doesn't make me a good friend so much as it makes me annoying. In that instance, I am learning how to be a better friend by listening and not saying anything. I'm learning to let my friends think their mom is a cat (that is reference from Friends, where Ross can't get over that Phoebe thinks her dead mom's spirit is living in a cat). It's a work in progress people, the Sistine Chapel wasn't painted overnight.

If only there were support groups for judgmental people, like Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm sure my intro would go something like this, "Hi, my name is Derek and I'm judgmental." And as I sit down I'd roll my eyes and mumble, "even though I think some of the best friends should be."